Saturday, June 27, 2009

Confessions of a Cockroach Killer

Originally posted Jan. 8, 2008 in my multiply blog....

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Note: This article is intended as a joke only. ;-D In real life, the author is not as bloodthirsty as she sounds here......

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How to Kill a Cockroach (Part 1)

For a long time, I've thought of writing something about this subject. It started when my roommates in my former dormitory challenged me to write a moving treatise regarding the various ways of emasculating and annihilating these perversely annoying household pests. I am not really keen on writing about this subject since I've had an unexplainable aversion to cockroaches ever since I was young. Everytime I see these pesky little creatures crawling on the floor and dormitory walls, I could not have a moment's peace until I consign them to perdition. The worse scenario is when they actually fly all over the room and land on my bed. Crawling cockroaches are partially tolerable, but flying cockroaches are totally unacceptable! You have no idea how much money I've already spent on insect repellants, Lysol, and other disinfectants. I practically spent a fortune on these "cockroach repellants", much more than I would spend on my clothes or cosmetics.

Don't get me wrong. I am generally a peace-loving person. But cockroaches tend to bring out the worse in me. Whenever I see one, I either scream my head off in fear or in rage. My poor room mates had to put up with all my nonsense for four years. They would have been easily canonized for sainthood for their patience in handling my hysterical outbursts. What can I say? It seems like I was programmed to "freak out" whenever I see cockroaches. Even my writing style is different when I talk about cockroaches. I am not really very expressive about the things I love, but I can be shockingly eloquent when it comes to expressing the things I detest. Either I start spouting some poetic nonsense, or I end up sounding like a pompous ass.

Keici, one of my dearest room mates, is very empathetic about this problem of mine. We share the same paranoia, same hatred. I do believe she would highly approve of this discussion. She has lots of interesting ideas of her own when it comes to dispatching cockroaches. hehehe.

Honestly, I do not know how to end this subject. I think this will probably be a never-ending article. As long as people fear and hate cockroaches, there will always be room for their ideas on the "Kill Cockroach" list. For convenience's sake, I've set the limit up to number 101. If, heaven forbid, more murderous ideas keep flowing in the comments and emails, I'll extend the limit to 200, and so on. Let me also say in advance that this project is not meant to cater to the sick amusement of paranoid cockroach-haters like me. I kinda hope that this article would be my catharsis. I hope that the day will come when I no longer need to write any more cockroach annihilation techniques. The day I cease to cry "Murder most foul!" will be the day I am cured of this irritating phobia.

So the list goes on.......


101 Ways to Kill a Cockroach

1. "Put your right foot in, put your right foot out" technique

This technique is done by stamping on the offending cockroach with your slipper or shoe. I recommend this to first time cockroach killers. There is a perverse feeling of satisfaction in hearing the crunch and splat of cockroach carcass on the floor.

2. Flying Broom technique

This is actually a technique I learned from one of my room mates, Ate Marie. She is an expert on this. With one swipe of the household broom, she easily subdues the scampering cockroach until it ceases to move. Then she proceeds to sweep it into the dustpan and dispose it in the trash bin afterwards. Call that maximizing biodegradable waste.

3. Edsie's Barbecue Technique

Hehehe. This one's wicked. Edsie, my dearest dorm mate, invented this technique. She uses a small, sharp stick to impale the cockroach right in the middle. Then, if it strikes her fancy, she "barbecues" the cockroach over a small bonfire. This is not done in the kitchen, of course.

4. "Raid" them until they are "Baygon"

This is probably the easiest and one of the most expensive ways of getting rid of the nasty little critters. If you are not in the mood for some good 'ole "blood and gore" roach-rampage, then I suggest you rush to the nearest supermarket and buy these insect repellants. Using any of these insecticides is guaranteed to freeze a cockroach sunny-side up on the floor. hehehe. But be warned; you will probably need to evacuate the premises for at least fifteen minutes in order not to inhale the "fragrance" of these insecticides. Believe me, the smell can be downright nasty. And you'll probably end up spending more than a hundred pesos for a bottle. But come to think of it, it's really a small price to pay for your much-needed peace of mind.


............to be continued....................

NOte: This is a work in progress. You'll probably see more techniques being posted in the coming months. Any contributions are most welcome. Your ideas will be acknowledged with much gratitude.

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